Fat Attack
I am having a Fat Attack. It won’t be the first or the last. I am a right chubster and no mistaking.
It is as if I am dragging around a pink Draylon sofa in my knickers with two winged armchair outriders and an Ikea pouff up my jersey. If I linger too long in John Lewis strangers will plop their carrier bags down and take advantage of my scatter cushions.
If this is not enough Dorian Gray has gone AWOL and I am confronted with the harsh overhead light of middle-age. There is no SJP here ladies, tripping around town in a child’s tutu and FMBs with a feathery frippery on top of her heed, how could her mother let her out without a vest? I am the real deal, a middle aged, saggy arsed, blancmange gutted, wibbly wobbly jelly being.
I am peering at my visage in the en suite mirror, pulling up my forehead, and thinking about the immediate benefit of Spanx and a fringe.
‘This’, I weep, as a grey hair falls into my G and T, ‘this,’ I cry, as I hoist my bosoms to the nipple height of an 18 year old, ‘is not the life I ordered!’
I am lying in bed with my favourite husband. He grabs the light switch with his free hand and fixes me with a rueful stare.
Switching the light off he exclaims,
‘Elle Macpherson!’
He turns the light on,
‘Jade Goody!’ he says
Light Off,
‘Angelina Jolie!’
Light on,
‘Bernard Manning!’
Light off,
‘This’ he says snuggling deeply and gratefully into my ample comforts, ‘this,’ he says burying his head in my warm and wobbly valleys, ‘is a lot more wife than I ordered’.
September 4th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Oh thank goodness I am not alone in the excess baggage dept!
September 4th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Roll on plumpers!
September 4th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
check out me and my friends, and maybe join us! We’ll always looking to recruit!
www.chubstergang.com
If you search long and hard enough, you will get to see a little bit more of me that you’d expect!
September 5th, 2008 at 5:48 am
Your husband sounds as warm and charming, subtle and romantic as mine!
Does yours drive a John Deere too?
September 5th, 2008 at 10:39 am
It’s funny you should say that because Mr G longs for a JD!
Sadly he currently drives a desk.
September 5th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Toby Ray! I can see your bottom!
September 5th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
John Deere you say? Clearly the man has taste.
September 6th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
What i would love to know is, how on earth do you maintain the perfect housewife image without gaining the weight?? Life is dull when you just eat salad! Think i’m gonna make like Nigella and embrace the curves!!
September 8th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Where does it suddenly come from? I too am coveting a fringe and a waistline, I have thickness residing around my middle where up until now only thinness has lived! I shall soon be seen sporting balaklavas (or maybe batklava -tastier) and a pop up tent (I hear Celia Birtwell is doing a nice range now for Millets)
September 9th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Soon I will be twinned with Demis Roussos.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Dear Forties Housewife, A billion men love Nigella for a very good reason! (Obviously it is not her cooking).
September 9th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
I thought it was two good reasons
September 9th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
My man doesn’t love Nigella - he loves me! My curves don’t sit that neat, I don’t have the leg length and my pout is only seen when I’m sick of doing all the washing up. But my man loves me, and to keep me lovely he buys me lots of chocolates!
I love your comparison with a comfy sofa - Can’t imagine you would ever be mistaken for a sofa in John Lewis - all their stuff is so beige, dull and lacking in character! t.x
September 10th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Love is all that matters, and chocolate of course.
(and possibly chips, Rioja, cheese on toast, pork pies, bacon butties, cream teas….)
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Oh this is so funny, what a darling husband
I have so often wondered who the old lady looking at me from the mirror is. It’s not the image I have of myself in my head!